WELCOME TO THE

   

Obverse                                                          Reverse

 

Our Official Motto: “Excuse Me.”

Other Official Stuff:

Our Official Slogan: Trailing clouds of glory”

The Official Fruit of PHARTS is the Raspberry.

The Official Salute of PHARTS is the Bronx Cheer.

The Top Secret Official PHARTS Handshake is, uh, well, it's Top Secret like it says, so the only way you'll  find out what it is, is if you Apply for Membership and after satisfying our rigorous qualification process are accepted.

Apply for Membership

 

LINKS

NEW & IMPROVED:

The Hack Writers Library

 

Phartissimo

The Official Organ of PHARTS, featuring  "Pharternity News"; incorporating "Hot Air: Our Opinions", "Hints for Hacks",  "PHARTS Pheatures," and at least one of Paul Guyot's columns called "C.O.W.F.I.S.H.": Cool Original Words For Inspiring Smartness Hello"

 

A Warm and Personal Message from our Sublime Imperial President-for-LifeJames Lincoln Warren:

Some people may think that the idea of a professional organization for talentless hacks is ridiculous, and that it demeans and cheapens the entire occupation of putting words to paper for money.  But the operative word here is "money," so who cares what those literary snobs, those so-called "writers" and self-described "critics" think, anyway?

After all, I don't really give a damn about their problems, do I? The hell with them all and the horses they rode in on. Come to think of it, I don't give a flying goddamn about your problems, either, so why don't you just put a stopper in your incessant whining and send us some money?  Pretend it's tax-deductible. That'll make you feel better.

 

A Warm and Personal Message from our Eternal and Most Puissant Sergeant-at-Arms, Paul Guyot:

I use the word bailiwick a lot. I'm not sure what it means, but it's a good word. Become a Pharter and you, too, can use words like bailiwick.

 

A Warm and Personal Message from our Exalted Czaritsa of the Damned, Deborah Elliott-Upton:

Welcome to all you damn hack writers. Kneel before me now and swear deathless devotion and ye shall be aligned with others of your true ilk which means you shall forever be somewhat ilky in the special manner editors expect of writers. Oh yeah, I almost forgot: bailiwick!

 

A Warm and Personal  Message from our High Skald of the Pagan Hordes, Jordan the Barbarian Stoen:

Waste not they wyrd  On weighty words
No quill craft here  As swift as swords
This wave of warriors  With art like axe
Fells many a forest  With hearty hacks.

Each leaf as light  As foam on flagon
Writ fast the runes  No dreaded drag-on
Boil pots of prose  With bathos thick
And glibly gloss  Through each trite trick
To boldly brace  Our bailiwick.
 
A Tepid and Personal (I tried, but I couldn't get anyone else to do this) Message from our Glamour Goddess of Graphomania, Twist Phelan:
 
Remember fellow hacks, it's not how you write (if you could write, you wouldn't be part of this group), it's how you look. Attendees at all meetings (if we ever hold any) shall wear at least one Italian label. (Don't even think about cutting out the tag from last season's Dolce & Gabbana at the vintage shop and sewing it onto your jacket. Tacky. Even for this group.) Violators will have to run a city block in high heels while balancing their laptops on their heads.
 
And for the last time, YES, IT'S MY REAL NAME.
 
 

A Warm and Personal Message from yer Illustrious Scurvy Wench of the Seven Seas, Cindy Daniel:

A welcome to Sprogs and to Squiffies,
Who dream of a day yet to come,
When ye dump the workbench for an old scurvy wench
And ye trade yer computers for rum! ARRR!

Where timbers are shivered and lillies are livered
And every last buckle is swashed,
We'll abandon our cars for a shipfull of ARRRs
And pound back the grog till we're sloshed. Yo ho

** Since I hacked this fine piece from Mad Cap’n Tom, I may be walking the plank afore me bunghole gets unplugged. **

 

Membership Roll

 

FOUNDER PHARTERS

James Lincoln Warren

Paul Guyot

 

CHARTER PHARTERS

Julia Spencer-Fleming

Jim "Whore Fingers" Winter

Herbert P. Holeman, Ph.D.

Robin Burcell

Mark Terry

JD Rhoades

Keith Snyder

Kate Derie

Morgan Hawke

Kadi Easley

Leah the Kaplooey Mom

Rian Monaire

David Skibbins, Ph.D.

Lawrence Nyveen

Deborah Elliott-Upton

Jordan the Barbarian Stoen

Kimberlin Campbell

Twist Phelan

Michael Haskins

Jan Conwell

Anders Bruce
(
whose membership proves we'll
stoop so low as to rob cradles
)

Janis Susan May

Mike Smith

JT Ellison

 

OLD PHARTS

Bill Crider

Barbara J. Brown

Marcia Talley

Elizabeth Burton

Jeraldine D. Crayne

Pat Browning

Chester D. Campbell

Cindy Daniel

Aaron Mermelstein

David Terrenoire

Tribe

L. Roger Quilter

Bruce Huntington Warren

 

STARTER PHARTERS

Aldo Calcagno

Jon Jordan

Daniel Abrams

Jonah Gruber

Barbara Galvin

Big John Shea

Joshua Hack
(
Real name. It's really too
good to be true, isn't it?
)

Wench Aoife Suibhne

Krin St. James

Kem Roy Neal

 

SILENT PHARTS

There are no names listed here.

Silent Pharts are anonymous, or at least nobody ever admits to them.  They are also the Official Secret Police of PHARTS.  You may not see them, but you'll know they're there.  They even have their own motto: "Silent but Deadly."

CONTACT

Warning! By writing to PHARTS, you are granting us permission to reprint whatever you write to us in Phartissimo if we feel like it, unless you specifically tell us you aren't, in which case we won't.

 BWAHAHAHA!

PHAQs

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

The Professional Hack Authors RecogniTion Society, or PHARTS, is an organization for professional hack authors, i.e., mercenary wordsmiths who don't care a fig for style, content, originality, or grammar, but are willing to write anything for money.  We are of all ages, races, ethnic backgrounds, religious persuasions, and sexual preferences, comprising even Old PHARTS, New PHARTS, Red PHARTS, Blue PHARTS.  Are you PHARTS material?

HOW CAN PHARTS BENEFIT ME?

For a token membership fee of only $357.28 (payable by IOU through our Exclusive Marker-O-Matic Technology), we offer many benefits, including Medical Coverage, Our Dental Plan, the Annual Kilgore Trout Awards for Hack Achievement, National Offices for Sale, a nifty Membership Certificate in PDF suitable for framing in a cheap drugstore frame, a listing in our Membership Roll to the left with optional link, not to mention the prestige of being associated with the pre-eminent organization devoted to people who know how to type (more or less, anyway), and the fellowship of hanging with other PHARTERS.

JOIN TODAY and BECOME A PHARTER!

 

WHAT CATEGORY OF PHARTS IS BEST FOR ME?

CHARTER PHARTERS  must meet the following criteria:

  • You are incapable of holding down a regular job.

  • Somebody stupidly paid you for some piece of crap you wrote.

  • Your piece was published or produced, even if only on the internet.

  • You are willing to give us an IOU for your dues.

OLD PHARTS are those who qualify for our Senior Discount Program.  They must meet the same criteria as CHARTER PHARTERS, except that they must demonstrate signs of incipient senility.  Instead of the full price of $357.28, OLD PHARTS dues are ONLY $356.98!  That's a discount of 30 cents!

STARTER PHARTER is the category for unpublished hacks.  You must still be unable to hold a regular job and give us your IOU.

SILENT PHARTS wish to be anonymous because they wouldn't be caught dead associating with us, but we don't care, as long as we get your IOU.  There are no requirements to be a SILENT PHART, but you should probably avoid elevators.  The membership certificate will leave the name blank, of course.

 

WHY DO YOU ONLY ACCEPT IOUs FOR DUES PAYMENT INSTEAD OF CASH, CHECKS, CREDIT CARDS, OR PAYPAL?

Because we know that hacks have no money and routinely kite checks, and because if they did have any money they'd probably spend it on booze anyway, and because hacks certainly do not have any credit of any kind.  What were you thinking?

Besides, our dues work differently from everybody else's.  In most organizations, you have to pay to join, and keep paying every year or you get thrown out on your ass.  But in PHARTS, you have to pay to quit--you're a member until you pay off your marker!  That's right!  As long as we have your IOU, you're in the club.  The only way you can stop PHARTing is to pay us!

That's why we've introduced our Exclusive Marker-O-Matic Technology!

 

WHAT ARE THE ANNUAL KILGORE TROUT AWARDS FOR HACK ACHIEVEMENT?

Named for Kurt Vonnegut's legendary fictional hack, Kilgore Trout, the AKTAFHAs are the only awards that specifically recognize the peculiar vicissitudes of the hack writing field.

 

WHAT ARE THE TROUT AWARDS CATEGORIES?

Trouts, also known as FISH PHARTS, are awarded for the following five categories:

  • MOST FORMULAIC NOVEL

  • MOST COMPROMISED SCREENPLAY

  • LEAST ORIGINAL SHORT STORY

  • MOST CYNICAL MEDIA TIE-IN

  • LEAST FACTUAL NONFICTION

  • YE OLDE TROUT LIFER HACK

In addition to Ye Olde Trout Award, PHARTS was thinking about another lifetime achievement award to be given on an irregular basis for Outstanding Unnecessary Verbiage and Padding When Being Paid By The Word, to be called the Bulwer-Lytton Award, but some other completely unscrupulous contest stole the name from us several years ago, or more accurately wouldn't let us steal it from them, so now we can't.

We are also contemplating a Special Award for Getting Away With Plagiarism, which of course, is one of the primary weapons in the hack author's arsenal.  We did consider awards for Self-Help Books and Pop Psychology Texts, but the competition is simply too stiff in those areas.

Trouts are awarded at the Annual PHARTS Fest Awards Banquet held at the McDonald's next door to the Super 8 Motel in Battle Mountain ("BM" to natives), NV (identified by The Washington Post as "the armpit of America"), in the middle of August of each year.

 

ARE THERE OTHER FISH PHARTS?

Yes, there are, exactly two, but we'll cheerfully add more if the price is right.

  • THE CARP AWARD

  • THE WALLEYE AWARD

The CARP ("Crap Always and Regularly Published/Produced") is given to outstanding publishers and media producers who have shown a lasting and consistent lack of taste, thus providing livings for hacks everywhere.

The Walleye, a kind of pike but also a strabismal condition, is awarded to that fan who shows the most complete lack of discrimination in whatever he or she likes, and whose lips move when he or she reads.  Hey, if they didn't buy it, we wouldn't write it.

 

WHAT DOES A TROUT AWARD LOOK LIKE?

Custom designed for PHARTS by Billy Bob Shakespeare, one of the world's most decorated living designers of awards plaques, the unique design of the Trout will proudly stand out in anybody's office or living room:

A Trout Award singing "Angel of the Morning"

 

HOW DO I WIN A TROUT, CARP, or WALLEYE?

Easy! Bribe the judges.

 

Benefits

 

MEDICAL COVERAGE

Join PHARTS and we will direct you to WebMD.com's Free Newsletter program for the best medical news coverage available.

 

DENTAL PLAN

Follow these easy steps: Brush your teeth after every meal using an ADA-approved fluoride toothpaste and a soft-bristled brush.  Floss regularly.  Use an antiseptic mouthwash for at least 30 seconds before going to bed. 

Now that's a plan.

 

NATIONAL OFFICES FOR SALE

The following National Offices are for sale to the highest bidder:

  • Lord High Executive Vice President

  • Chancellor of the Exchequer

  • First Sea Lord

  • Keymaster

  • Gatekeeper

  • Foreign Secretary

  • Minister of Defense.

Sublime Imperial President-for-Life is already taken by James Lincoln Warren, since PHARTS was his idea, and Eternal and Most Puissant Sergeant-at-Arms is taken by Paul Guyot, who was asked to join to give the organization a little class, although mainly because I couldn't find anybody else willing to join at the time.  Did I just say that out loud?  If you purchase an office, you can even have your own Warm and Personal Message published in the column on the left.  Deborah Elliott-Upton, who lives in Texas and isn't Shelby Foote or Larry McMurtry, and therefore must be a hack, purchased Exalted Czaritsa of the Damned for an undisclosed sum plus one dollar (the customary baksheesh, payable by IOU, natch), and now she does have her own Warm and Personal Message.  You can, too, except you can't be Exalted Czaritsa of the Damned, because now that's also already taken.  But you can be something else.  Like Jordan the Barbarian Stoen, who became High Skald of the Pagan Hordes, and  Twist Phelan, who has been apotheosized as Glamour Goddess of Graphomania, and Cindy Daniel, who has been dubbed Illustrious Scurvy Wench of the Seven Seas.

Anyway, if you make it worth our while, we'll let you invent your own office, just like Debbie, Jaye, Twist, and Cindy.  And guys can too, although they can't be Czaritsas, Goddesses, or Wenches, because those are girls.

 

Count Me In! How do I Join?

Follow the link below to go to the Application Page.  Fill out the information, press the send button, and that's it!  We'll get back to you as soon as we can, if we feel like it.

 

TAKE ME TO THE APPLICATION!